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never thought the word I would use to describe your death would be
"unexpected"
because you know
part of me has been expecting this loss for 22 years
(more than half my life)
from the day mom said "dad has cancer"
that August Thursday
every moment has been a bit of borrowed time
you beat the odds
more than once
you suffered through so many failures of your own body
and the treatment that harmed as well as healed.
voice forever changed
life purpose shifting
hearing constantly fading
from feeding tubes to PICC lines
radiation and TPN
24 hour antibiotic IVs in a fanny pack
hyperbariac chamber sessions
the transplant that gave you more time
so much more time...
a body, a life changed by the trials it survived
the workholic turned devoted papa
the actor, singer, speaker turned gardener, builder, scholar
you questioned your purpose
and wrestled with survivors guilt
you wanted to return to work
and grieved the limitations of a body and mind changed
a body and mind that radiated love
fed our souls and our bodies
repaired and improved our homes
healed the earth one native plant,
one butterfly garden, one rain barrel at a time
22 years of anticipatory grief did not prepare me for this loss
for your absence in this world
or the hole in my heart
I am grateful for all the borrowed time
for every important life moment
and good night hug
still I wish there had been more
each future moment of celebration will come with a dose of sorrow,
your absence grieved
as you find rest from your laboring
may we continue the work of loving,
growing and tending,
building and repairing
that you began.
