I Don't Remember
I don't remember being taught to fear
it came in such small imperceptible ways
building up over time
The broad brush adding a menacing aura
to anyone with darker skin
Unless of course,
they were the exception to the rule
they were smart enough, polite enough
I don't remember being taught to fear
but the lesson was learned all the same
I remember a city bisected by highways
Dividing, segregating, limiting
Burying generations of history under the asphalt
I remember neighborhoods you avoided
and the ones I discovered years later
I remember locking doors
anxious glances
white flight to the suburbs
I remember debates about schools,
about busing, about quotas, about access*
about the right to not go to That School
I remember fear fueled anger
sixteen years old and not truly understanding
only knowing the power of reputation
I remember the differences clearly visible
in the marching bands at the Thanksgiving Day parade
in the condition of the sports fields
I don't remember being taught to fear
but the lesson was learned all the same
Racism is the water we swim in,
the air we breath
The air we don't have to fight for,
the breath that isn't stolen from us
It cannot be sifted out,
it is bonded to every part
It is the arrogance of supremacy that landed on these shores
and laid claim
to that which was not up for grabs
It is the violence of a country built on the backs of slaves
stolen from their homes,
tortured and exploited for their labor
It is the greed of wealth gathered in the hands of the few
at the expense of the health and well-being of the many
It is the doors to home and property kept locked and shut
by redlines and loans denied
It is the shuttered precincts and poll taxes
that deny ballots and voice
It is white fragility that cannot name what it does not recognize
and will not turn to look at the pain of a neighbor
It is history books that make heroes out of slavers
and are too silent to name Black excellence
It is state sanctioned violence in the name of perceived threat
from unarmed Black boys
while White men with guns are left alone
It is all the things I cannot name because I am not its victim
because I am allowed to walk away
I am allowed to forget
to rest in ignorance
while my friends, colleagues, neighbors lay awake
wondering who will be next
I don't remember being taught to fear
but I soaked up the fear of the world around me
centered on groups that were othered
for the color of their skin
When I finally came to recognize the fear,
and sought to overcome it
Instead I was taught to fear
speaking words of support
of challenge
lest I invite conflict and animosity
even though the risk to me
was far less than my life
To speak against this fear
requires new bravery
against voices louder
and hate stronger
than I ever realized
but to do any less is unthinkable
For I have new fears today...
of corrupt systems
and authority abused
of a country ignoring its own history,
creating an enemy out of children of God
failing to attend to the anguished cries
of empty gestures that look good on today's front page
but returns to status quo when the cameras turn off
of an arc of justice that sometimes bends backwards
when we get too close to something better
of my own sin, my own complicity
my own comfort that finds silence easier
I don't remember being taught to fear.
but must unlearn the lesson all the same
Each day unravel a lifetime of prejudice
so I can pursue justice, love fiercely,
listen faithfully, and speak bravely
You've got to be taught To hate and fear You've got to be taught From year to year Its got to be drummed in your dear little ear You've got to be carefully taught You've got to be taught To be afraid
"You've Got to Be Taught" - South Pacific
Sarah Kingsbery
June 6, 2020
*My four years of high school were marked by an on-going court case around busing and race-based school assignment. The new "race-neutral" assignment plan went into effect the year after I graduated. https://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2002/04/24/32scotus.h21.html