It doesn’t feel like New Year’s Eve.
Maybe it’s because I’m sitting in the church office, alternating between working on a Sunday School lesson, reading for my on-campus class in less than 2 weeks, and glancing at Facebook and email, but it just feels like another day.
A week ago the import of tonight felt much more weighty. Today though, I confess I am numb. Numb because I am afraid to truly hope.
On Christmas Eve I wrote the following in my journal: Dear 2014, Right now you are a stranger to me. I know not what you hold. You hold so many more dark corners of mystery than 2012, 2013. The first half is visible, no more foggy than usual. But come June? 2014, you are being shaped behind a veil in God’s hands. At some point you will host an ordination service. On this, I refuse to equivocate any more. It will happen. But after that, I know not. Will I be at the church that right this moment has an application from me? Will I enter search and call, in limbo for how long? Will I be able to go out and try my own wings again?
My fear is that this year, this year when I want everything to change, will be another year where everything just stays the same.
If I am honest with myself, the fear is unfounded. Things will change. I will graduate. I will be ordained. I will turn 30. I will do all I can to leave this church I’ve come to call home better.
The changes that aren’t so certain, I hope for. And today I give those hopes to God, knowing that in God’s usual way, God is likely to give them right back to me saying “you set your sights too low.” But, for now, they are what I have.
I hope for an exit plan, a place to land, some place new, an adventure. I hope for the ability to claim my authority while leaning on an even greater authority. I hope to find a sense of my ministry and the courage to live into the call. I hope for companionship. I hope for healing so I can say yes to relationships that will strengthen and not weaken my sense of self.
In my hoping I am impatient. I want to get to the starting line that has been pushed back and delayed so many times before.
So 2014, bring me the patience to wait until it is time for God’s plan to bloom before me. Just do it soon, okay?